I could really use some input here.
I’m not sure how to really word this so if I confuse you, I apologize.
I consider myself a Christian but I don’t feel Him in my heart completely. I know He is there but it is me who doesn’t keep Him completely in my life. My faith is there, I feel it, I know it, but it feels like I’m sliding because I allow things to go on in my life that shouldn’t. I’m not doing anything illegal, etc but when I’m irritated over things in life I don’t like myself because I’m not giving it all to God and when I do give it all to God it’s like a few weeks later I slide back. I feel like I know what is happening and when it happens but I have such a hard time reaching for Him again until things seem totally wrong and I need to pray again.
Does this make any sense?
I know when He is in my heart completely because I am so happy and my life just goes so smooth and I accept things as a Christian should. I follow Him when He guides me. Then I know when I’ve slid because I’m irritated easily and feel unappreciated by my husband and kids.
I told myself tonight that I should do these things because I love my family and I appreciate who they are and if they don’t think I am worth being appreciated then they will continue to not help me. ( I get up daily, get kids ready for school, take dog out, get myself ready, do dishes before work, work on my feet from 7:30 am until 2 pm, come home, take dog out, do errands, fix dinner, do laundry, pick up house and too tired to do dishes at night). I am so totally exhausted. My kids are 8 and 12 and they don’t keep up with chores unless I get on them. My husband is a truck driver who is home by dinner every night. I know his job is mental dealing with driving and traffic but I sometimes feel like he doesn’t really work like I do? I often want to blame him for me not keeping Jesus in my heart but deep down inside I know I am completely capable of doing it myself. I just feel like I need that support. He is a Christian too but like me, doesn’t have God completely in his heart at all times. I always know when he does because he helps me and he does it because he wants to not because he feels obligated. He read that book, “For Men Only” and let me tell you, it was like, “who are you and what did you do to my husband”…for a week. Sometimes I want to hit him over the head with the book .We are both such different people when He is with us.
We don’t go to Church much anymore because we are having issues with our Church. More like we have mixed feelings about things that go on there.
I have been feeling all these things but throughout the day I know I get signs from God that He is there and I do say “okay God, I know you are there” and I keep going knowing that but by the end of the day I am ready to throw in the towel.
I’ve been reading the Bible in the a.m. and say a little prayer if I can get a breath but still again by the end of the day…
So please, if someone, anyone understands what I am saying, thank you and somehow talk me through this. Also, please pray for me, that my Christian life remains steady and I don’t do this up and down with God. I know to beat Satan and I do constantly, theres just that emptiness sometimes that I miss so much. Pray that my husband will be the Spiritual leader and not slide and that our girls will follow us.
I feel like we are good parents but not showing them the way isn’t the way I want it. I want them to be raised close to God and the way things go around here they will be so confused.