I woke up from what seemed like a long dream last night. I have been thinking a lot about religion recently, and I know myself pretty well to know that I am not really a fan of organized religion… But I’ve just felt so empty, longing for something more in this life. I didn’t know where to find the missing piece. I didn’t know how to find the piece that would make me, me.. I’ve been so lost, and so confused darkening the doorway of Ceci’s house often asking countless questions. I’ve ranted, raved, cried, yelled, balled my fists in frustration and I finally decided to stop wrestling with God.
I ran full tilt away from him for so long, I didn’t know if he would still want me, I didn’t know if he would ever take me back, if I was still able to return to his family. We, as humans, are constantly putting human characteristics on God, making his love conditional, when I guess it isn’t.
I’m looking past my distaste for the Christian “religion”, and making a decision to follow the man behind the curtain, Jesus Christ, the light of the world. I am not becoming a “Christian”, a name that has such negative connotations in today’s society, I am merely choosing to become a “Christ Follower”, not a “Religious Zealot”, “Bigot”, or any other foul name, I am just trying to turn my life around and honor the one who gave me it.
I know that I can’t possibly comprehend his love for me, but I’m just grateful that I took that jump off the cliff, and made that decision. I’d been clinging to the branches at the edge of the cliff for so long, unwilling to take that last step, but finally I got tired of resisting… I knew that I was just being stubborn, and I let go.
Its absolutely terrifying, yet exhilirating at the same time. It will be a LONG road, I know… But I know that I have people who are willing to help me walk it. I have so much to be thankful for, and I need to learn to realize that. I need to stop questioning God’s love, and the love of my friends and family, merely because I don’t FEEL lovable. Whether or not I feel loveable, I am loved. And until I can learn to accept that, I will never be fully at peace in God’s love.
I just wish that I had it all figured out, but I guess I won’t know all the answers until I’m dead and in heaven with God. It sounds so wonderful to say that now. In Heaven with God. I used to say that I didn’t believe in a Hell, that I didn’t know how a loving God could send so many people, “good” people, off to a place of eternal torment.. it still mystifies me, but that’s not the point I was trying to make… I told myself that a Hell didn’t exist to mask my intense fear that I would end up there some day. I knew that if there was a bus heading to Hell, there would be a seat with my name on it. For the longest time I had been strapped tightly into my seat, music blaring, anger seething, bitterness eating away at me, but now I just want to get things right.
I apologized to God, I asked for his forgiveness, I made the commitment again.. Like I have two times before. Only this time, I hope I can get it right.