Top Signs You're a Lousy Cook our kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer. You burned the house down trying to make jelly. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the over timer. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns black. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch bags. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner. You're family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.