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wicked crazy

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wicked crazy
i got an email this morning from my bio dad. i'm adopted and have never had a relationship with this guy and quite honestly never wanted to. people have always said i'd want to know my bio family at some point in my life and i've always said no i don't. people have always said that my bio family could give me the answers as to why they left and why they did what they did and i would be able to forgive, understand, and move forward. quite frankly, what is there to forgive? i'm a straight a student waiting to sign on the dotted line on a full academic scholarship to a major christian university. i drive a nice car, i have a confused but loving boyfriend. i know what love is and i can sense it from a mile away. not love like la la gaga love, i mean love. love that comes from the heart and speaks the truth. i asked my mom how my bio dad got my email address and she said she gave it to him. i was like are you kidding me? why would you do that? she thinks b/c it is my senior year i should reach out to him and see what if he has anything to say. i think that's my decision. if i want to seek the guy out, shouldn't that be on my own accord? as if i don't have enough emotions and whacked thoughts going on, now i have to think about this. part of me wants to call him up, meet up with him, bring him into my world, let him stay for about 24 hours and then say "thanks, just wanted to show you what you missed out on, have a nice life, bye"; but i don't know if that's the "right" thing to do. do i hate him? no. do i have an interest to get to know him? no. do i care if he dies tomorrow? no. does that make me cold hearted? i don't think so. to me, he is just a random stranger out in the world. i mean, i care about people, but it's not going to make or break my world, ya know what i mean? i am not sure what to do. any thoughts - harsh or not - let 'em rip.....
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Hi, Taylor. I think it is wise of you to ask for opinions before you make a decision. Maybe you will learn something or get an idea or maybe you won't. Either way, from what I have seen of you here, I believe you will make the right decision for you.



I gave up a baby for adoption when I was 18. I found him again when he was 36. He had had a good life and thanked me for giving him up, as the alternative would have been hard on him. Twenty-five years later we still have a sort of relationship. I email him about twice a year and he emails me back. I would like to have a closer relationship with him, but it doesn't seem to be his choice. I have seen him three times over the 25 years. I love and enjoy him, but care enough to not force my attentions on him.



I believe from an adult's perspective that a parent never stops "loving" a child. I use that word loosly as most people do not really know how to love. I also think that in any situation we do the best that we can do, as a parent, at any particular time. We all fail to measure up to our kids' expectations, and usually to our own as well. I know that I have disappointed myself, but at the same time, I did the best I could. I cannot make my children forgive me, but I surely wish they would.



God bless you and your father as well. He needs it, I'm sure.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
lol, of course, i'm going to ask people for advice first. i'm not so cocky that at 17 i think i know everything about everything. there are only certain things i know everything about. lol.

i do think that not having the "mom/dad" thing has taught me to .. wait.. has given me the opportunity to choose whether to trust my 17 year old instincts or seek out advice from those who are older / wiser / more mature and who can look at things from the outside rather than through my tainted view, ya know? thank god, i am choosing the latter, eh?

i have thought that maybe i am where i am b/c they gave me up. which, would make me think ok, well, maybe they aren't so bad after all, right? maybe if i was with them, i'd be in a different place, a harder place, a not so pretty place? i realize that some people never get the opportunity that i'm sitting on - living in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, driving a nice car, getting ready to accept a full scholarship and only being 17. not a lot of people can say that. at first, i didn't think too much about it; but with it being my senior year and all the emotions flying around, it's humbling to look at things and think, wow, i did that; i accomplished that. i was walking by our trophy case the other day at school and looked at the things i've accomplished on the teams i've been blessed to play on and i just stood there thinking "this is my history". when i look back in 10 years that trophy case is still going to be there; our names will still be etched on the stones; and our memories will be forever captured in the pictures above them. that's priceless. not everyone has that opportunity.

when i am at school listening to my friends talk about what they are going to do after high school only 1/2 of them are college bound and of that 1/2 they aren't sitting on full paid rides, ya know? so i'm lucky to have that future as an option.

but, i'm selfish in thinking that, the option of the life i have set up for myself, is b/c i made the choices to make it that way. of course, i know god has his hand all over me, and i am not talking about that. i'm talking about getting the grades to be where i am; making the choices to ensure that i have a future; and making the choices that my friends didn't make when the going got tough and parties became the lifestyle of their high school years. don't get me wrong, i have partied. but i realized rather quickly, that the road of partying leads down one road - to hell. i'm not saying i won't ever go to another party the rest of my high school year, but i do know i won't let it ruin what i have worked so hard to obtain.

i'm conflicted with the question of if my parents hadn't given me up would i be this driven? is it their fault that i decided to build my own life for myself? am i driven b/c they have pissed me off and deep down somewhere i'm thinking "well, i'll show them"? or am i simply a product of my adopted parents; watching them work their assess off and have what they have and deciding i want this and more? i have no idea the answer to that question. perhaps, it's a combination of all these things. but i guarantee you i will have what my adopted parents have and more. i will most likely choose to spend my money a bit differently, but i will be set up just like this when i'm their age. perhaps, it's just god being god and has nothing to do with any of these random thoughts/questions.

i agree that not a lot of people know how to "truly" love and that's why i said i can spot love from a mile away. i think i am more sensitive to it b/c of the things i have been through and it has allowed me the opportunity to be a witness to some of my friends and allowed me help them through things. i have a soft heart but also an angry heart. so it's kinda like when i see people who say "oh i'd die for my child before i'd give 'em up", i can look in their eyes and call their bullsh*t, ya know? only those that "know", truly "know".

i've thought about if my bio parents are sad i'm not in their life or are hurt b/c i've chosen to not seek them out thus far. but to me, i'm the child, not the parent. the parent should seek the child out on his/her own accord; not the other way around. it's like the kid who pours out the parent's alcohol after the parent passess out from drunkeness b/c the kid knows the parent is going to hit the bottle as soon as they wake up. god bless those kids that are in that situation, but for real, the kid isn't supposed to assume that role; just as i feel, i shouldn't have to say "hey dad, think you wanna get to know me?". and the fact that i know he didn't seek me out that my mom gave him my email address only makes my situation more jacked b/c i'm sitting here thinking, would he ever have reached out if she hadn't? i'll never know the answer to that question. but i have two sides to that as well, does it really matter? and how much does it matter, if indeed it does?

life is short. we've lost 6 friends during our high school years so far and it makes you think. i'm on the yearbook staff and we are putting together a lot of things for the friends we've laid to rest b/c this year is the last class to go through knowing all those people. we planted trees in front of our school for them over the years and we have memorials to them inside the school. the football team did their tributes as well as the soccer and basketball teams in memory of our friends. but when you are looking back at all these things, it's sobering thinking what all we were blessed with and what we all missed out on from each and every one of them after they left. so am i going to look back in 10 years and think, dang i should have reached out to my dad / mom b/c now they are dead and i will never know what i missed out on, not getting to know them? i just don't know.

i also in another selfish way, don't want to put myself out there and then have them somehow disappoint me and it drag down the rest of my senior year, ya know? that sounds horrible, but it's true. this is my senior year, i want it to be the best. i want it to be something i remember for a long time, a happy memory, ya know?

as far as what expectations i have set for my parents, hmm, never thought about that. i guess, i've never expected to have a relationship with them. maybe, i've expected no expectations in an effort to protect my heart and soul from being hurt more than it already is? maybe i'm scared that if they did love me back they'd meet the expectations i've stuffed deep down and if i allow them to love me, i can't keep the cage around me that has protected me thus far? wow, i just typed that, i didn't think that, i just typed that. i'm not backspacing.... lol... i'm not going to do it.. lol..what if that's it though? i'm so familiar within my own cage that to get out of it and see what is out there releases me from behind a wall that i felt has protected me all this time and i'm scared of that? what if god is trying to make that wall fall before i move on to the next stage of my life? what if god is trying to show me the anger i have stuffed inside can be released if i am willing to be bold in my faith and trust in him in this situation instead of trying to figure this out on my own and worry about the things i can not change. (like him not seeking me out, like his reaction to me, like if they decide not to be a part of my life, ect. those are all things i can not change. the only thing i can change is me.)

or maybe god is giving me this opportunity so that i can forgive them and just move on. or maybe to just bring it to my attention that i need to forgive them and not be hostile in my heart to them? maybe i'm supposed to be looking at this like a gift from god rather than a burden from satan???

gosh, i've written a book. i'm battling the flu and i think my fever is causing my brain to overload.

am i even making any sense?
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Wow. A lot to think about it while you are battling the flu! God isn't random. He allowed this to be presented to you now for a reason. Whatever decision you make, God will be a part of it and you will grow as a result. I'll share more thoughts later. You know how I have to think things over! Brandi
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
as an adopted child, i can really relate to your feelings. being presented with an opportunity to meet/know my birth parents set off a rollercoaster of emotions. i was afraid. afraid that i would be hurt, that they wouldn't like me or that i wouldn't measure up (to whatever standard a 20 year old has). then i wondered if there were other kids, and jealously crept in-see it really was a rollercoaster of emotions.

i did finally make that phone call to my birth father and he and his family welcomed me in with open arms. 30 years later i can truly say that i have been blessed as a result of our relationship. it is not the same as with my adopted parents, but there is a bond there that i could not deny. our relationship grew very close over the years. i can not imagine my life without him. God puts the people in my path right on time, whether i know it or not at the moment.

Amazingly, my birth parents reunited with each other and married just before my birth father died. What a cinderella story! Now I have a large extended family with brothers and sisters, neices and nephews! Both of my adopted parents have passed and having family is a great blessing in my life. There is never too much love to go around!

I could write a book about all the details and feelings of this journey, but I just had to let you know that i have been there and i will do whatever i can to support you through this-whatever your decision.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
how did you set aside your fear and walk the tight rope of hope?
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
so i emailed my bio dad back asking him one question: "i understand you want to get to know me but i would like to know the answer to one question first, why did you give me up and why haven't i heard from you until this year?"

ya know what he responds with?

"i don't think that is as important as you think it is. the past is the past. you must forgive and move on just as i have. i can not change the past and neither can you, so why try to explain it. either you want to get to know me or you don't, let me know."

since i'm working on my cussin to keep the praize ops off me.. i'll just say my reaction was something like, HOLY MOLY CHEESE AND RICE YOU'RE FLIPPIN' TRIPPIN' A LID ON A FIRETRUCK, RIGHT?! HOLY CHICKEN YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CALLS THE SHOTS WHEN YOU BLEEPIN LEFT ME AND DECIDED TO JUST WALTZ BACK UP IN MY HOOD AND THEN WHEN I ASK YO' BLEEP A REASONABLE QUESTION, YO' BLEEP IS BALLSY (can i say that?) ENOUGH TO TELL ME EITHER I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU OR NOT!!!!! WHAT THE HOLY CHICKEN CHEESE AND RICE FUNNY FUNNY HA HA CHUCKLE CHUCKLE CHEESY NOODLES DID YOU EAT THIS MORNING!!!???

ok, got most of the anger out with only one possible praize op question-ability. licks pointer finger, hold it in the air, and says "tttssss, point 1 for me".

ok, now seriously, i'm quite unsure of what to do now. part of me says, *turn on brookly accent* "forget about it" *turn off brooklyn accent*. and the other part of me is like *turn on will smith voice* "look, a lil me, just like me, pissed off and all", *turn off will smith voice*.

i haven't responded yet b/c i'm not sure what to say or if it's worth my time.

hit me up.......................
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Taylor, I love the way that you expressed your anger. You are a special young lady. I guess the bottom line of your delemna is... do you WANT to meet him or not. He sounds to me like a person that is afraid (yes, I said afraid) of losing control. That often happens when people have been hurt. That means he probably has expectations. His answer does not sound like a father in love. Maybe he is lonely. All you can really do is seek God to find out what HIS desire is. And then follow your heart.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
not arguing and no disrespect, but how can my bio dad be afraid to lose control of something he doesn't control? i don't get that. i still haven't emailed him back.

do i want to meet him? who wants to meet someone that is less popular than balaam? i mean seriously?

i haven't exactly heard from god on this one, so i'm sittin' on the ledge of tomorrow waiting for the breeze to come with a note from god attached to the beak of a pelican.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
No disrespect taken.

You exactly got my point on the lack of control. He doesn't have it. That frightens men particularly. He stepped out of his comfort zone to email you. I have no comments on the right or wrong of that. Just I know how men work. It isn't always pleasant or the way we would like them to. (We may get some comments from our male Praize members on that one! lol)



I am praying for a pelican to come your way.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Hi Taylor,



It was by pure accident that I noticed this thread this morning.



You said in a previous post;
"i haven't exactly heard from god on this one, so i'm sittin' on the ledge of tomorrow waiting for the breeze to come with a note from god attached to the beak of a pelican."
On second thought maybe it wasn't by "accident" that I saw your post. Let me briefly explain.



I should start by telling you that I wish we could sit down, face to face, and have a very long talk. Unfortunately that is not possible. I should also tell you that I'm the world's slowest on the keyboard so it's going to take more that a single post to address all the points you have raised.



Taylor, you have been given some excellent advice by those who have posted here. I must agree with PraizeOP2 that you are indeed a very wise young woman. How is it possible for me to make these statements you ask? Because I've had up close and personal, as well as professional, experience with everything that you have said here. I speak as a father, a grandfather, and a great-grandfather, who is addopted and who has a total of five adoptions within my family.



Because of my limited time right now I'll only address the most important thing you need to know at the moment. Don't be in a hurry to respond futher to your birth dad. There will be pleanty of time to respond, if you wish, at a later point in time.



What I'm going to do is go over everything you have posted, make a list, and make sure I don't forget any of the points you have raised. Once I have done that I'll come back and continue. By the way, if you have any additional thoughts or questions please feel free to let me know.



Please know that you are in my prayers.



Your friend in Christ,

Doc



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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
alright, hit me up....
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
You are just too cute!!!

You bring joy to my heart and life to this website. Thank you for posting here.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
i guess, you're welcome?? i don't know; i'm just like you or the guy next door; just postin' up what i think and waiting for some answers or some advice or something to make me talk to god, even if it is me telling me "what in the world, did you read that?!?!!?" lol lol lol
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
man, you gonna hit me up country doc or what?
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Hi Taylor,



Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. Right after my last post I took a very hard fall that has kept me away from the computer. I'll do my best to finish my response ASAP.



Respectfully, your friend in Christ,

Doc
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Praying for you, Doc. You take care of yourself. We need you around here. Taylor isn't the only one that wants/needs to hear what you have to say!



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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
dude, like what? you don't have to say respectfully to me... like i'm a kid???! lol, and trust me i don't deserve that.. lol, a lot to learn about my temper and how to chillax a bit.

i'll be praying for ya and telling god to hurry the heck up b/c i wanna know what you gotta say... lol
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Hi Taylor,



This is just a quick note to let you I'm working on my promised response. I must appoligze for taking so long to reply but the last few weeks have been very difficult health wise for me. I'm still not 100% and will doubtless need to make my total response in multipal parts. I'll be back later today with my first post.



Your friend and brother in Christ,

Doc
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Hi once again Taylor,



I'm finally back as promised.



Let me start by comparing your current experence to what my experence was. It seems that you and I have had some very simular experiences and feelings about adoption and being adopted. From your Opening Post you said in part:
"i'm adopted and have never had a relationship with this guy (your bio father) and quite honestly never wanted to."
You know, that's pretty much how I felt about my birth parents as a young person too. I had never known my birth parents nor had I ever indicated any interest in finding them or knowing them.



I don't remember ever not knowing I was adopted because my adoptive parents were always open about it and never tried to hide it in any way. If the subject of adoption ever came up they always let me know that I was adopted because they wanted me and loved me from birth. The thought of looking for my birth parents never crossed my mind because I was completely happy with the family I had.



However, as I grew older, I also was sometimes told the many of same things you were told;
"people have always said i'd want to know my bio family at some point in my life and i've always said no i don't."



"people have always said that my bio family could give me the answers as to why they left and why they did what they did and i would be able to forgive, understand, and move forward. quite frankly, what is there to forgive?"
My responses were much the same as your's.



I must say that as I grew older the only reason I felt such statements were made by others was because the people making them wanted to know more about my birth parents than I did no matter how I felt about the subject.



There are two major differences in how we both were, shall we say, "introduced" to the subject of finding our birth parents. The first is you said;
"i got an email this morning from my bio dad. . .i asked my mom how my bio dad got my email address and she said she gave it to him. i was like are you kidding me? why would you do that? she thinks b/c it is my senior year i should reach out to him and see what if he has anything to say. i think that's my decision. if i want to seek the guy out, shouldn't that be on my own accord? as if i don't have enough emotions and whacked thoughts going on, now i have to think about this. part of me wants to call him up, meet up with him, bring him into my world, let him stay for about 24 hours and then say "thanks, just wanted to show you what you missed out on, have a nice life, bye."
For me it was a "well meaning" relitave that aranged a meeting with my birth grandfather without my knowledge. I guess you can imagin my suprise and anger at that meeting. The second thing is you are 17 and living at home. I was 21 and about to be married. In both cases we should have been consulted before any attempt was made to bring us into contact with our birth families.



You also said:
"to me, he is just a random stranger out in the world. i mean, i care about people, but it's not going to make or break my world, ya know what i mean?"
Like you, it did raise a mild curiosity about my birth parents but absolutely no desire to make them a part of my life.



It was a few years after meeting my birth grandfather that I did make contact with my birth mother. That was a very big mistake. The image I had in my mind about what she might be like was completely destroyed when we met. After a short visit we went, what I thought was, our seperate ways. Wrong! She wanted to establish a relationship complete with half siblings and be called grandma by my son.



After a few visits it became very appearent that we came from two very different worlds with two completely different outlooks on life. I finaly told her that she had made the decission to live without me, which I considered to be a very good decission, and I had managed quite well for 20 plus years of my life without her in my life and I could manage quite well for the rest of my life without her. Needless to say that had a cooling effect on the relationship.



There is much, much, more to this story but I think you will get the idea about how I feel from what I've said so far. I'll be back later with more of the story and additional comments for your consideration.



I need to take a break the old body wants some rest.



Here is something that I want to share with you. Just click the link below and enjoy.

http://www.inspiringthots[...]dge.php



Your friend and brother in Christ,

Doc
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
hmmm.. much to think about.. i need to digest.. i'll hit you up before the end of the weekend...

thanks for taking the time to hit me up, i appreciate and welcome your advice, sir.

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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
We have something in common. I am 16 and I never knew my father either. I understand why you have the conflict within about if you actually want to know him or not. In my case, I wondered about my father a lot while growing up. I think I would be satisfied just knowing a little bit about him. I don't know if he was tall, short, fat, thin, humorous, serious, good natured or hateful. I don't even know what race he was. My mother couldn't tell me anything at all because she doesn't even know who my father was. Unlike yours though, my father was never even aware I exist. I think I might be afraid to actually meet him though I am not sure even the reasons why I feel that way. I just want to know what he was like, what kind of character he had and what he did with his life. It's hard not knowing half of your heredity. I could be half-Martian for all I really know. I think you are wise to question everything. He might be your father but he is still a stranger.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
Metea, welcome to Praize forums! I wish you had been here a couple of years ago! I wanted to let you know that Taylor no longer posts here. I am not sure why because I have not been able to contact her during the past 18 months. She brought joy to my life while she was here and I miss her a LOT. I am also curious as to what went on in the relationship with her father. I think we would be surprised to learn how many people are in the situation of broken homes, adoption, missing parent, etc. It is a sad, sad condition, but people are mostly selfish and think about themselves rather than their children.



My father died when I was only four, so I never really knew him either. He got lung cancer from smoking cigarettes (a very selfish act, in my opinion). I heard about "our father, which art in heaven" and began talking to HIM. He (God) is really the only father I have ever known. And while I have never been able to reach out and touch him, to sit on his lap, or talk to him face to face, I still love him with all my heart and long for the day when I can do those things. I KNOW it will happen.



Broken families make broken hearts. But God can fill that place. Bottom line is that He is all we have. And one day we will see Him face to face. We can pray for that day to come quickly. In the meantime, there are people here who would love to love you. I hope you will join our Praize family here.



Please read my Spotlight on the upper left corner of the Praize home page (www.praize.com) and click on the bottom of it to go to my blog (or www.praize.com/blogs and click on my picture) where you will learn more of what is happening here on the site. If you have any questions, feel free to email or TM me.
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Re: wicked crazy In reply to
I'm so sorry. I did not know I was replying to something that old. I am new here and do not know how all this works yet. I thought I had found a kindred spirit. Someone who would understand me as I understand what it would be like for her. It is one of those things I think about that I never let out of its box. Maybe my father is one of those things best not thought about. Thank you for telling me about Taylor. I hope it worked out for her.