The all-in-one Christian Web Site Community - Praize.com
Skip to Content

infidelity and fighting for marriage

Quote Reply
infidelity and fighting for marriage
this was also posted in hurting christians but applies to both and i need all the help i can get



me and my wife have been married for just over a year now. our relationship has been shaky through much of it because of many things. this is her second marriage and she has two children with him. I married her, knowing of her hardships with him, and i've tried to be there for her as best i can. My biggst problem is that when things get way out of hand i start yelling. ive asked god to deliver me from this many times... but there are many factors which make it hard at times to keep strong. My wife has problems letting go of past hurts. this has created a snowball effect as the only way for it to be easy for me to curb my anger is in feeling closeness and affection... well the patter is, lack of affection for some reason, outburst, build defensive walls-causing lack of affection..... etc... well we recently decided that it would be best for me to return to the military since we were facing hard times sice i got out last year. I was hoping to move my family somewhere new and start anew maybe... i was planning on attending counceling about my issues in hope that it would resolve deeper issues in our relationship. Well i went to training in january, and we were doing pretty good... things stayed good until may, i had been calling every day, and we were looking forward to me getting home. her initial idea was to wait for military housing, but instead... in march she agreed to go with me. When mid april hit, she decided to spend more time with old friends... she started going to clubs with them on the weekends, leaving the kids with her mother... I was ok with this as long as she kept it innocent, my wife likes to dance. around the 1st week of may she told me that shefelt bad but had gotten sexual feelings dancing, she really wanted me home... she agreed to wait on clubs til i returned. the third weekbomb. I was a week from returning home. The phones on base were dead so i called her on a friends cell phone for a sec... she told me that she wanted to wait on housing again... i replied with, well we have to talk about that some more, cause i dont agree that we need to spend any further time apart. i wasnt able to get in touch with her again until tuesday when i told her we needed to talk about it, we discussed it, and thoough reluctant, i submitted to her staying on one condition,i would be home on friday or saturday, i wanted her to agree on no clubs while i am away the entire time. She took offense to my asking this and told me that she made plans to go out with friends that she wouldnt break them, i did not agree with this at all. here i am her husband for 1 year, away for the past 4 months, and she is going to be away the night after i get in... so i said ok, if u wont break the plans, can i go with you? again she refused. I gave up at this and we talked lightly on the subject wedensday. thursday was the breaking point, but to make a long story short, she kept being 100% stubborn and not giving me any room to work with, she proceeded in telling me that i knew her main reason for marriage was for conveniance. My wife has always pridede herself in being a good christian... what good christian marries someone jsut so that the military will ship her furniture home... I had no idea this wickedness was in her... this was my breaking point, i hung up the phone. I calledher back, and told her how much it hurt me for her to say things like that, she said she knew how i felt but she wouldnt change, she knew she was being unfair, but coiuldnt stop... i was still fighting an outburst, but it was getting much harder. i am 900 miles from my family, and i am being put through all of this from my wife... she said she knew she shouldnt have married me and that it was a mistake i snapped, i told her if you want a friggan divore just tell me damnit. i asked her who she was sleeping with.. she told me that there wasnt anything like that happening ... so i calmed + tried to talk some more... she was extremely angry that i mentioned divorce, but she had said several times that the marriage was a mistake,she soon said that i wouldnt like what she was about to say, but she had a male Friend, only a friend... i asked if he was the person who asked her to the movies that she wouldnt break(the matrix rey favorite series by the way) she said yes... i tried to talk her out of it, she was being so unfair to me... I have been honest and commited to her since well before our marriage and she pulls this. I snapped, i told her you know what, if you wanna go to the f'in movies and screw a guy whatever, but not while were married. She hung up. I called back 2 minutes later and the argument went on for about an hour and calmed, i knew things were bad, but i knew in my heart that once i got home things would be ok... i was so wrong... that same night of the phonecalls, she started drinking, he called, she was crying and he asked if she wanted him to come over to talk, she agreed, when he got there after some talking, she came on to him + slept with him..... she knows i have an inferiority complex so this is not good. I got home that saturday + knew things were bad but wanted to make it work, she wouldnt even let me touch her hand... she went out sunday to meet him at her moms and he never showed... since then we have been on + off in dicscussion, but we are both willing to try, here's the differance... im willing to do anything i need to to make this work... she still refuses to drop the guy as a friend even though she just recently met him... also, she refuses to promise commitment, al i get from her is ... i'll try.... i need as many prayers as possible, and lots of advice... should i, can i still hang on to this relationship??? im trying to hold on in faith to god, but its so hard, today is tues and he finally called her back... she told me that theree's no way she will ever do it again (cheat) with any1 else... but he is still a problem, she doesnt know what she will do with him.... what do, what can i do??? help me please



p.s. i need to leave to my next base on the 15th, and i need something from her by then... what should i expect, what should/shouldnt i accept???
Quote Reply
infidelity and fighting for marriage In reply to
Hi,

I'm recently (very recently) separated from my fiance and also very new to the LORD so i don't know that any advice from me would help.



Let's just say that you sound very devoted to making this relationship work, but it does take 2 people to do that. If she didn't get married in the church and in the presence of GOD for the right reasons than you're journey is going to be tough. Just from what i've seen in response to other peoples problems or concerns, marriage is binding. She has however already gone outside this relationship and wants to continue a frienship with the one and same. Is she a Christian?



You also mentioned councelling and in that area i can definately say that it does help.



I wish i could give you solid advice but this is a tough one and you should seek a professional in this area. Feel free to email, i can at least be someone to listen and pray for you in the meantime.
Quote Reply
Re: infidelity and fighting for marriage In reply to
hi you know i really feel for you.. you my friend have a lot of character. i admire you for sticking it out. the first thing that "I" would do is stay home. You cannot build a ;marraige apart like that. i don't know it you can do that, but it you want to build a marraige you got to be there all of the time. going away only leads to trouble. I would also pursue counseling for your anger because your anger is going to get worse. I once had an anger problem and it wans't unitl i found myself almost stragnling someone literally, did i realize i needed help. you cannot change her the only one who can do that is god. you cannot force her into anything. if you try she will only buck heads more. you need to get yourself together before you can help your wife. I know that may sound stupid at this point but its true. i hope i helped please feel free to email me if you want anytime.. Rkalayah@aol.com
Quote Reply
Re: infidelity and fighting for marriage In reply to
Falling4Ever,



I read with great sadness your post and I will certainly lift this all up to the Lord in prayer, that your wife will come to see that she has do also do 'her' part in working to keep this union together and that God will lead you both in the direction He wishes you to go. Pray aout it, listen, God always answers, sometimes we do not listen (I know I am guilty of that a lot)....I know this is very painful for you, but while God will not bend a person's will (He gives us all 'free will' in our lives), He will guide us and let us know what it is He wants for us to do and we can obey (or not)...God's will is the PERFECT will in each of our lives and He has a plan for each of us to do....nothing but NOTHING is impossible through God! Please do pray about it, seek His will and pray that your wife's heart is softened to your feelings. Would you be able to seek a good counselor? A good Christian counselor or your pastor would be a good place to start. Please know you are being prayed for and that God loves you all more than you will ever know!





God Bless!