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Tue, May 23 2006 - 08:39 AM

2006-05-23 08:39:47

hey it's me again, well not a whole lot of exciting things going on...I've been really struggling with family and the whole concept on it. I know God has his reasons and someday I'll know his plan out of it but it still really bugs me to think that out of alll the people in the world I was chose for a life filled with struggles and pain. It hurts when I see kids with their parents, were are mine? I guess what I'm trying to say is that if family is such a blessing, what's wrong with me? This has been a subject on which  I've advoided for so long. Now all of a sudden I'm almost 18 and the option for me to find a family is which I have no idea about except for the fact that my mother was a prostitute and my father was a customer, and all 6 of us kids were born to her but have diffrent fathers, should I go on that alone, that she messed up, what if she's still living her life of sin, it's hard to forgive something like that, even though I know that's what God wants me to do, it's not an easy thing to even think about, it's even harder to still feel the hurt off of that. Maybe God's plan for me is to help her see what God did for her, maybe it's to help her repent and become a born again child of the lord, although I'm not sure I even want that, am I selfish or what? I'd rather her burn in hell for the things she put us through, but than than her bloods on my hand, i think it'll just take time...see everyone thinks I'm doing great, I got the grades, the job, the looks, and the friends, I'm on top of the world, but nobody knows how low I really get, how I long to drag that razor across my arms and to just bleed out all the emotion I can't feel..or at lest show...how all the promblems they think I've overcome are still there and 2x as strong as before...
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