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Wed, May 17 2006 - 09:24 AM

life

Isn't life funny, just over all how it works out. God's sense of humor has never ceased to amaze me. The little things he allows to occur, some that make your life 10x times easier, and others that don't make it easier but makes you  10x stronger. I hate the way that everything is going your way, and than just out of no were you get slapped in the face with promblem after promblem. It's like God says ok your getting to comfortable right now, lets increse your faith in me. He's not satifed at were we're at because there's always room for improvement, or failure, and even that helps us improve. There would have been a time in my life were I would have just turned from the lord, I mean it's easier than the heartache I feel...it's easier to just close yourself back up, turn your heart back into stone, take out a razor and cut all the pain you feel. It helps at that moment to find comfort in worldly things, and things we think of as a quick fix. But to bow my head and hit me knees, that's a pride issue to, in the end I feel better, I struggle to leave it at the cross, and I move forward, that's how we grow emotionlly and spiritually, maybe I'm writing this to convince myself, I'm not sure...lol. All of a sudden it seems my life is right up there in my face. Like it's time for me to grow up and make some decisions in my life. Things like who I want to be, what kind of person I'm portarying, and do I want to grow in Christ. There are some issues that have really been hitting me hard these last few weeks. So badly have I've wanted to take the razor out and just cut the pain out of myslef, or to just be numb like i use to be. All of a sudden since Christ is now in my heart, I have been burdened with tears, I never use to cry and still I find it hard to, but there are more often and wanting to occur more. I'm sick of being so depressed and feeling like I have to protray a person who is strong and confident and has no promblem. The people I am surronded with are those who expect me to step up and be a leader. It's like I'm not allowed to be unhappy...or perhaps I just don't have the strength to show others how much in pain i am, stupied pride, it's made me who I am, and stops me from who I want to be. To all the christians out there, I simply need prayer, prayer for my heart, for my pride, and for my walk in christ...I've fallen so far for him, it's such a struggle to find my way back, I know it's possiable (phil.4:13) but it's hard and giving up isn't a option...
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