He Held My Face in His Hands
I am one of those people who wear the weight of the world on their shoulders. I hate to see someone in pain--emotional or physical. I hate to see someone sad. But for me in goes beyond just the norm, I "feel" it with them. I find it hard to release it and I worry. I want so badly for there to be happiness and joy around me. I want to know that everything and everyone I care about is okay. I want to remember always that there is more good than bad in the world today even when it doesn't feel that way.
When something bad happens to someone, I can totally imagine what it would feel like if it happened to me. My heart just breaks.
Even worse, for some strange reason, I feel an obligation to try and make things better--to fix it all! It is a compulsion deep within me that I've written about several times before. It is almost as if I cannot make it better, then I've failed in some way. I don't understand how I came to be that way. Some say it is a gift but at a time I feel like it is a curse.
It seems like without fail, when I get to a point in my life when things seem to be going pretty well, something awful happens. It makes me almost afraid to be happy! Recently, as I've grown closer to Jesus and have been making those little steps of surrender and steps of following Him blindly, Satan has really attacked. He is attacking all around me--my immediate and extended family and friends. He feels my head with nagging little thoughts and doubts about everything that I "think" I have surrendered to Jesus.
I was sitting in church today and my mind was racing a little with everything that is going on with my family and friends. I was working hard to let it go and just give it to Jesus. I was trying to just praise Him and not let me mind wander back to all the "yucky stuff" going on. No matter what, He deserves my full attention. Even if He never does another thing for me and my situations never change, He still deserves my complete love and attention. He died for me! He has a place for me for all eternity.
(The pastor was speaking about the consequences of sin and how all of the turmoil and pain we face is ultimately the result on sin--ours or someone else's. I was listening but I was focusing on this image in my mind at the same time. He spoke of "grace"--a free gift. We just have to take it. We cannot earn it, we don't deserve it, yet Jesus desparately wants to give it.)
I envisioned myself sitting at the feet of Jesus. He was seated and I had my head resting in my arms on His lap. I was crying.
I kept saying: "I can't fix it. I don't know what to do. I just want it all to be okay."
Then, Jesus gently lifted my head and turned it toward His eyes. He held my face in His hands and He said, "Precious child, it is not your job. You don't have to do anything."
He ever so gently wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. He smiled sweetly and said, "I'm still in control. Trust me. There is a reason and I know what I am doing."
I want to hold onto that image forever. In that moment, I felt complete peace. I didn't want to leave that place.
The preacher wrapped up his sermon and we sang Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace--
My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. Like a flood, His mercy rains ..unending love, amazing grace.
I glanced over at my sister who is going through something very painful (emotionally) right now. She had her hand raised and tears were streaming down her face. I've never, ever seen her raise her hand in worship before. While she loves contemporary praise and worhip services, she tends to be very conservative in her personal worship style. A tear filled my own eye because I knew that she was at that breaking point. That point where we grab on to Jesus with gripped fingers because we know that is the only way we'll make it even one more minute. While, I'll never believe God caused what she is going through, I do believe He is using it to bring her closer to Him. And although it may be a long, hard road, I believe she will ultimately be better than ever.
I am reading the Purpose Driven Life. In the book, Rick Warren says that "pain" is God's megaphone. He uses it to get our attention and I speaking from personal experience, it works.
Life here on earth is tough. Because of my personality, it is hard for me to accept that pain has to be so much a part of it. I have to remind myself that we aren't supposed to be too comfortable here. This isn't home. It's just a road trip! We have to keep focused on the fact that eternity is a long time and these short times of pain and sorrow are just a bump in the road that leads us home. But that is so, so hard to do!
Prayer: Jesus, I don't even know what to say..... I want to be back at Your feet with You looking me in the eyes telling me that it is all going to be okay. I want to feel that peace all the time. I want to get rid of my old self and be that person that can really, really "give it to You" and praise You through it all. I want to fight Satan when He puts those doubts and nagging thoughts in my mind. I just want to abide in You and have You abide in me. I don't want to be worried, stressed or anxious. I don't want to feel responsible for fixing everything. I don't want to question Your methods or Your timing. Help me, Jesus, to just focus on my purpose and not get caught up in the distractions of life. Please let Your presence be known to all of those who are hurting both physcially and emotionally tonight. Break down the walls that cause people to hold back from You. Give them courage to just trust You and to live the life YOu want them to live. Thank you for all of your many blessings and the grace and mercy you give us each and every day. Amen
About: I am a married, working mother with 2 children a daughter age 17 and a son age 14. I have a passion for writing and feel led to work with pre-teen girls. I blog mostly about my spiritual journey as I seek God's perfect will for my life.Back to Blog | Add to Buddy List
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