For a long time, I've felt that God wants me to start or be involved with a ministry for girls with special focus on those age 11 -13. It has gently tugged at my heart for a couple of years. It intensified when my own daughter experienced some of Satan's attacks--and still does today.
Lately, especially the last few months, I have had this overwhelming need and intense feeling of wanting to do something but not sure what. And, of course, Satan has placed many distractions before me--my job, my family, worries, stress, weight gain and general busy-ness.
I have no idea what my next step should be but in church today I felt like I was going to come out of my skin. The Holy Spirit was present as always but He was active and moving in my heart today. I wanted to go to the alter and just throw myself down--completely broken, completely open. Tears flooded my cheeks. But, I didn't move. I stood there with my arms raised up prayed.
Then, I was distracted from praying for me and I instead prayed for my children who were there next to me. I prayed that they might feel the pull of God. I prayed for their faith and happiness. I prayed for my Mom that she might get over her negativity and depression. I want so much for them to be close to God, to chose Him, to honor Him to go hard after Him. I want it so much that I lose focus of my own calling and my own spiritual need.
I cry as a write this because I so want my family to be a family united in Christ-- joyful, peaceful and always eager to serve Him as a family. I want my kids to shine for Him. I want them to dare to be different. Even though I know they love the Lord, they say I am "preachy" . I want my husband to be more than just an intellectual believer. I want HIm to trust the Lord fully and completely and be dedicated to serving Him. I'm trying too hard, I know. I cannot draw them to God. God has to draw them, but somehow it is hard for me to move forward when I want that so much.
I need prayer to help me discern the voice of God and to know my next step(s). I know that God has promised that none of my steps will slide if I trust Him, but I have no idea where to step. I feel like I could do so much more if work were not in the way, but I cannot leave my job. My husband would never support it and truly, truly the facts say we could not survive.
So, Satan distracts me with the facts-- I have no time. I have no money. My own kids need my attention. My family needs me. My husband wants me to stay at home more. My job is very demanding. I need to lose weight. I need to cook healthier but have no time. I joined the gym but when will I go?
Yet, I feel God's call. I have to do something or I'll go crazy. I feel like I am going to cry all the time. I cannot stop worrying about my kids. I have this edgy, agitated feeling. I'm not content because I don't think I am doing what God is calling me to do but I just don't know where to start or what to do. I don't know how to fit it in. I'm not sure I even really know how to pray about it.
So, I am calling in prayer warriors as I have done many times before. Please cover me in prayer for the next few days as I earnestly seek God's guidance in this matter.
I will be blessed just knowing that you are praying for me.